More Quotes

CONTENTS: Celebrity General Quotes Celebrity Golf Quotes Andy Rooney George Carlin

MISCELLEANOUS GOLF QUOTES

The Gospel of Titlest May thy ball lie in green pastures -- and not in still waters.  • Author Unknown The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.  • Billy Graham Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us.   Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.  • John Updike It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.  • Robert Lynd If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.  • Horace G. Hutchinson They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.  • Gardner Dickinson If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.  • Sam Snead Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.  • William Wordsworth If you drink, don't drive.   Don't even putt.  • Dean Martin If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.  • Tommy Bolt Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one.  • Author Unknown I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.  • Harry Falk My handicap?   Woods and irons.  • Jack Falk The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top.  • Pete Dye I'm hitting the woods just great -- but having a terrible time getting out of them!  • Bob McCarty If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.  • Jack Lemmon It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.  • Mark Twain Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.  • Dave Brown Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.  • Jimmy DeMaret The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.  • Andy Whiteside Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.  • Bob Williams If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a ! miracle.  • Jesse Smith

CELEBRITY GENERAL QUOTES

I once had a rose named after me, and I was very flattered. But, I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue, "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."  • Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.  • Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.  • George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year.  • Victor Borge By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.  • Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.  • Groucho Marx I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.  • Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.  • Alex Levine Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery  • Spike Milligan What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.  • Henny Youngman I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.  • Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.  • Joe Namath Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.  • Herbert Henry Asquith A woman drove me to drink, and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.  • W.C. Fields It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.  • George Burns We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.  • Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older, it will avoid you.  • Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.  • Phyllis Diller The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.  • Unknown By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.  • Billy Crystal

GEORGE CARLIN

YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican! I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way! I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American. I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to. My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it. I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already. I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country! This is AMERICA. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one? I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry rear if you're running from them.. I also think they have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good..... and I'm proud that "God" is written on my money. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, ! I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years. I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. And what is going on with gas prices... again? I believe "illegal" is illegal no matter what the politicians think. I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA! If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. We need our country back!

ANDY ROONEY

Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back: I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.   Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game. I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE? I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion. I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off. When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability. I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English! My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.   I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines. I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business. We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them. I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!" I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries! I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else And if you don't like my point of view, tough... It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having "In God We Trust" on our money and having "God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the 14% to Shut Up and BE QUIET!!!