Golf Jokes

CONTENTS: Bee Sting Businessman in Africa X Nun and Priest Stevie Wonder and Tiger 10 Best Caddy Replies

BUSINESSMAN IN AFRICA

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on. "Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?" Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, its 16," said the businessman, "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?" "It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16." The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions. They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa; you're lucky I was here with you." After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy. The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly. "Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here.

10 BEST CADDY REPLIES

10.  Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake. Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long? 9.  Golfer:  I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course. Caddy: Try heaven, you've moved most of the earth. 8.  Golfer:  Do you think my game is improving? Caddy: Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now. 7.  Golfer:  Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron? Caddy: Eventually 6.  Golfer:  You've got to be the worst caddy in the world! Caddy:  I don't think so sir.  That would be too much of a coincidence. 5.  Golfer:  Please stop checking your watch all of the time.  It is too much of a distraction. Caddy: It's not a watch.  It's a compass. 4.  Golfer:  How do you like my game? Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf. 3.  Golfer:  Do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday? Caddy:  The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day. 2.  Golfer:  This is the worst course I've ever played on. Caddy:  This isn't the golf course.  We left that an hour ago. 1.  Golfer:  That can't be my ball, it's too old. Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.

BEE STING

A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help ... and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee," she said. "Where," he asked. "Between the first and second hole," she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

NUN AND PRIEST

Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a  mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed." The good Sister told him to watch his language. On his next swing, he missed again.  "Shit, I missed." "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he   misses again. The usual  comment followed. Sister is really mad now and says,  "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed." A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. And from the sky comes a booming voice .......  "Shit, I missed."

STEVIE WONDER AND TIGER

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad; I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But, you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway, and, again, I play the ball toward his voice" "But how do you putt?" asks Woods. Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice." Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks it over and says, "Okay, I'm for that. When would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night."