Axioms

CONTENTS: Golf Axioms Golf Rules Rules of Manhood

GOLF AXIOMS

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. If it isn't broke, try changing your grip. Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck. It's surprisingly easy to sink a 50 foot putt when you lie. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. It's not a gimme putt if you're still away. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the large tree. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you intended to play it. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a 2-inch branch on a tree 90% of the time. Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently make three triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods try to hit just short of a water hazard. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example, backswing 20 miles per hour, handicap, 15, downswing 300 m.p.h. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing the golf glove. Hazards attract; Fairways repel. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the sand, yours is in the footprint. Don't buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw it. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

GOLF RULES

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again. Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.  Hello, This would be whipped cream on dog shit. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. It's not a gimme if you're still away. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and 2-inch branch 90% of the time. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogies to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 300 mph. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands; how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove. Hazards attract; fairways repel. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. People who swear they're going to give up the game never do. Those who do give it up never talk about it.

RULES OF MANHOOD

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:       (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.       (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.       (c) After wrecking your boss' car.       (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".       (e) When she is using her teeth. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who is playing. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:       (a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!       (b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!       (c) Another set and we can hit the showers! Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.  Hang up if necessary. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox.  End of story. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.  Ever. * We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below. ** "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?" *** "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!" We hope this clears up any confusion.