Jan 14-16, Niagara Falls, ON: Date With A Playboy Model - After being out of my cardstock backing for a week now, my mojo slowly began to come back to me. I went out to look for some ladies and who did I end up seeing but none other than Playboy model Pam Luu. I walked up to her with my cocky swagger and told her that I enjoyed her Playboy pictorial but I thought that the photo of her in Maxim magazine was better. She told me that she read Black Holes and Time Warps: Einstein’s Outrageous Legacy and that contrary to the Creationist haters she agreed that the supposed attractive force of gravity merely reflects the curvature of space-time and that inertia and gravity are indistinguishable. I said “Yes, physics is funny isn’t it? We should go out some time.”

She said yes, so I hopped in Joey’s coat pocket and made him drive the two of us to Niagara Falls, Ontario. After 4.5 hrs in the Cadillac we arrived at our hotel around 1 AM. We showered and I put on my best yellow sweater and then we immediately went to Peppermint’s strip club. We watched the pretty ladies and the silly folks in attendance until 3 AM.

The next day I figured it was time to make my move, so I took Pam out for some pizza and nachos. While we were eating I did some serious name dropping. Oh yeah, Walter Heisenberg, Max Planck, I knew them. Meanwhile, Joey was doing magic tricks in the casino making giant stacks of chips disappear. Apparently he heard a Ludicris song that said, “Can’t lose on 22’s” and he took it literally on the roulette table. That guy, that silly guy! So Pam and I went for a walk around to see the American and Canadian falls. We got a cool picture together with a rainbow between the two of us. I was trying to play it cool and I said, “Yeah, I’m not intimidated, I date Playboy models all the time.” That wasn’t really true because in my human life I was married to Mileva and she never modeled at all. I hope she doesn’t Google me and find out the truth.

It was really cold outside so we went back to the whirlpool and then the sauna to warm up. Afterwards we went to the dance club Rumors. It was packed. Everyone was young and beautiful, but to be honest I’ll bet that half of those young ladies don’t know the difference between a muon neutrino and a top quark. We came home again at 4 AM. Everyone was excited: I was about to hook up with a gorgeous model and Joey was excited that they gave him VIP parking at the hotel because the entire lot was full. I guess everyone won.

The next day we left Canada and took our sweet time driving home. We stopped in St. Marys, PA for some world class pizza at Rick’s Dough Boys. I also finally got to see the Straub Brewery which was almost as cool as the time I won the Nobel prize. Good times, good times. Until my next adventure.

- Albert Einstein