by Julian Heicklen

At The State Correctional Institution (SCI) at Mercer, Mr. Wray Noel, Drug and Alcohol Treatment Specialist, administers a Drug and Alcohol rehabilitation program. At the meeting of December 18, 1996, he read the poem below to the inmates. The inmates were upset and offended by this poem. I wrote to Martin Horn, Commissioner of the PA Department of Corrections telling him that I did not understand how this poem helps the inmates with drug or alcohol rehabilitation, and that perhaps he could explain its purpose. I received no reply.

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the block
All the crackheads were dreaming of smoking a rock
Santa's in intake and charged with crimes
Of breaking and entering three million times

Santa yelled out through the bars of his cell
"All you pussy CO's can just go straight to Hell!
If that bitch Mrs. Claus doesn't help me make bail
I'll give dogshit and coal to this whole fucking jail"

While the inmates were laughing and Santa was bitchin
The cooks led his reindeer straight down to the kitchen
His sleigh was soon empty, as guards helped themselves
And housing block seven was fucking his elves

But Mercer would learn a hard lesson that night
Because Santa's no punk when it comes to a fight
As soon as the guard fell asleep in his chair
Old Santa just vanished right into thin air

The Warden's house outside the fence was his goal
Where he stuffed all the stockings with dogshit and coal
"First I fucked up your count, now I'll fuck up yur day!"
Said the jolly old man as he went on his way

Since the cooks ate his reindeer, and guards stole his toys
Santa didn't have shit for the good girls and boys
So he set out on foot through the asshole-deep snow
With revenge in his heart, and a long way to go

"First I'll visit the lawyers and judges," he hissed
"And the'll soon see what happens when Santa gets pissed!
I'll slide down their chimneys so slick and so fast
Then I'll cram a big Christmas tree right up their ass!"

Meanwhile, at Mercer, the guard finally woke
And he counted his inmaes and started to choke
He counted again on his fingers and toes
And he added the total while picking his nose

After eight counts he was forced to admit
That while he was sleeping, old Santa had split
So he called up the Captain and made up a lie
And he figured on kissing his pension goodbye

The flood lights came on and the guards ran around
And they called out the bloodhounds and locked the joint down
The dogs bit the guards on the place where they sit
And the Warden showed upwith his socks full of shit

Santa was wanted both dead and alive
The whole jailhouse buzzed like a kicked-over hive
The Warden was screaming that someone would pay
And in the confusion, ten more got away

Over to Harrisburg Santa did hoof
To the Governor's mansion, and up on the roof
"That crooked Tom Ridge is my last stop tonight
And I'll fuck up his Christmas and fuck it up right!"

Governor Ridge was in bed with a whore
With a loud "HO-HO-HO" Santa kicked in the door
"Your hillbilly jail couldn't hold my big butt
So I've brought a few presents for you and your slut!"

"Your guards stole my presents and carjacked my sleigh
And my reiindeer are on Mercer's menu today
Perverts have done God-knows-what to my elves
While you and your whore are enjoying yourselves!"

Santa whipped out his dick as he leaped on the bed
And he butt-fuckedthe whore that was giving Ridge head
He yelled "HO-HO-HO" without slowing his pace
As he rubbed reindeer shit in the Governor's face

When Santa was finished, he walked out the door
And he took Ridge's car and he took Ridge's whore
"Were even!" he yelled as he gave the car gas
"And now Pennsylvania can kiss my fat ass!"

After I sent a copy of this poem to Governor Ridge and Commissioner Horn, Mr. Noel wrote a letter of apology to the inmates at SCI Mercer.