You feel impatient with the waiting, with the leagues of faith you have given to something you still cannot see.  You demand sunshine and a breezy afternoon, or at least a flash of feeling at one with all the unpaved roads you still travel.  Without any of that, you let yourself wonder if you should have lived differently, made harder choices, etched a different way.  Maybe then you would be more content now, you almost let yourself believe.

At the same time, after so many challenges, so much practice accepting each thread of life exactly as the spools unravel, you are embarrassed to be stumbling again on these twin obstacles of regret and desire.  So each side of your heart goes to war with the other until all that prevails is the stand off.  Then you pound your fists and curse the cards, until you indulge yourself in thinking that only a masterful trickster could have crafted such an alluring maze with no exit.

But finally, with no resolution and no peace, you push off from the side of these thoughts and head back to the deep water…because—no matter what—you keep hoping you may actually discover the well-concealed rules…and you are just too curious to see how it turns out.