Virus Alert
OPRAH
WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands
back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T
virus.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to
itself as an "electronic microorganism."
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn
thing quits.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining
into a binary network.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says
everything is fine.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of
which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of
your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14
percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of
shocks.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't
allow the user to accomplish anything.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill
for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!"
on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new
files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in
"self defense".
DOOM EXCUSES
What to tell your boss when:
A) You are suspected of playing DOOM:
1) "Oh, that must have been my screensaver you saw!"
2) "Those files are my Database program. DOOM stands for Database On-line
Operational Management. Yeah, your right, 'WAD' is a pretty strange extension, isn't
it?"
3) "Yeah, I've heard some strange noises around here too. Rodents in the HVAC
ducts, maybe?"
B) You are overheard playing DOOM:
1) "Growling? Oh, that was probably my stomach you heard; I worked straight
through lunch today."
2) "Chainsaw? No, I don't have a chainsaw in here. Mrs. Smith said something
about pruning the plants at the reception desk this morning, though; you might ask
her."
3) "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was talking that loud. It was my wife on the
phone, we're not getting along lately. Thorny Brown Bastard? Ha! It's a long story, she
hates it when I call her that."
C) You are caught red-handed playing DOOM:
1) "You know, this is a great screensaver but the damn thing keeps locking up
or something and I can't get it to go off."
2) "It's the latest in CAD!"
3) "It's an assertiveness training program."
4) "It's supposed to be 'Barney's Jungle Adventure' - I just picked it up for
the kid, you know; but it looks pretty warped to me."
5) "I don't know what the hell it is, it said Lotus on the disk. Maybe we got
some bad interference on the Net or something."
6) "I hate to say this, but I'm pretty sure it's the 'KillingGlee' VGA virus.
Don't know how I could have picked it up. Only way to get rid of it is to play it
out."
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad
Computer
10) Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9) It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8) In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7) It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6) The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5) Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4) The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
3) The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2) The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1) You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight
collection.
Divine Computer
Messages
< 1> Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated.
< 2> REALITY.DAT not found. Attempting to restore Universe......
REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable to recover Universe
Press Esc key to reboot Universe, or any other key to continue...
< 3> REALITY.SYS corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)?
< 4> USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.
< 5> Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!
< 6> Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.
< 7> BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding!
< 8> Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?
< 9> .signature not found! reformat hard drive? [Yn]
< 10> Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?
< 11> Spellchecker not found. Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to
continue ...
< 12> A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?
< 13> A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium?
< 14> A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.
< 15> A)bort, R)etry, P)ee in drive door
< 16> Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
< 17> Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
< 18> Close your eyes and press escape three times.
< 19> DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.
< 20> Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS
< 21> SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory.
< 22> APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.
< 23> ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume
Technology Oh
Technology
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead
lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address,
which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence,
you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your
body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't
one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send
your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with
customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering
the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking
how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase
"digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not
surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security
number.
10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number,"
since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions
that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far
more clever than :-).
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a
rest for your mouse.
15.You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than
everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town
hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you
don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance.
But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you
think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your
telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and
three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare
mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I
don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled
to make something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into
charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is
better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken
over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a
haiku. And don't use a laptop.
=-=-=-=-=-=->>> Finally...
31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing
it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never
met most of these people face-to-face.
Data Processing Definitions
Access Time - The time between the instant at which information is called for, and the
instant at which management expects the final report.
Assembler - One who drops his card deck.
Assumed Decimal Point - Located two positions to the right of a programmer's current
salary in estimating his own worth.
Bit - The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.
Breakpoint - The point at which programmer increments past last bit available.
Chaining - A method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output.
Checkpoint - The location from which a programmer draws his salary.
Core Storage - A receptacle for the center section of apples.
Counter - A device over which martinis are served.
Crash - What a detached (q.v.) programmer would dearly love to do, for at least eight
hours.
Default - De line west of which de state of California will float off to sea at de next
major quake.
Detached - What programmer becomes after third day without sleep.
Device - Medieval torture instrument such as thumbscrew, iron maiden.
Disassembler - An unattended five year old child.
Diskettes - A group recently formed from old members of the rockettes.
Documentation - A manual which tells you how to use a program, system, or utility one
version ago, and which is now unsupported.
Error - What someone else has made when he disagrees with your computer output.
External Storage - A wastebasket.
Fixed Word Length - Four-letter words used by programmers in a state of confusion.
Floating Control - A characteristic exhibited when you have to go to the restroom but
cannot leave the computer.
Floating Point - The absolute limit before floating control is lost.
Flow Chart - A graphic representation of the fastest route to the restroom.
Hardware - Nuts, bolts, and circuit boards "left over" after repairman has
reassembled cpu.
Host - Person who insists on keeping visiting programmer up until 4 am with trivia.
I/O Device - Note you sign for the bank in/order to get loan for new (old) car.
Input - Food, whiskey, beer, aspirin, etc.
Library - An organized collection of obsolete material.
Load - What you dump after reaching floating point.
Low Order Position - The programmer's location in the chain of command.
Macro - The last half of an expression of surprise: "Holy Macro".
Memory Dump - Amnesia.
Mainframe - Primary person who just got set up for the blame of the system crash.
Microsecond - Amount of time needed for a program to bomb.
Off-Line - Uncharitable remarks programmer makes to wife or husband upon being phoned at
9pm to come in because system just crashed.
On-Line - Programmer trying to deal rationally on phone with management at 9pm.
Peripheral - Now you see it, now you don't...
Printout - A document to verify data you know is wrong anyway.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Source file - One which was "appropriated" from one of the competitors.
Switch - When management changes its mind.
Terminal - Condition of detached programmer three days further along
Things I learned from video games
1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.
2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.
3. If it moves, KILL IT!
4. Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.
5. One lone "good guy" can defeat an indeterminate number of "bad
guys."
A. "Bad guys" move in predictable patterns.
B. Except for "bosses," most "bad guys" can be dispatched with one
hit.
C. You often fare better against a large mob of "bad guys" then against a
"boss" in one on one combat.
6. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker then they are to do their 'muscle work'.
7. If you see food lying on the ground, eat it.
8. You can smash things and get away with it.
A. Smashing things doesn't hurt.
B. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.
9. Cybernetics are our friends.
10. When driving, you can knock other vehicles off the road and get away with it.
11. If someone dies, they disappear.
12. Money is frequently found lying on the streets.
13. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.
14. If you get mad enough, you can fight even better than normal.
15. If it's on the ground, you should get it.
16. Repulsive, ugly, cannibalistic, evil beings have just as much right to be loved as
heroic fighters.
17. The operation of a weapon is a simple and obvious procedure.
18. You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.
19. No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.
20. Death is reversible (but only for you!).
21. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.
22. Whenever huge fat evil men are about to die, they begin flashing red or yellow.
23. When you are born, you drop out of the sky (a stork?) and are completely invincible
for a short time.
24. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in elaborate patterns
which make it easier for you to shoot them all down.
25. All martial (marital?) arts women wear revealing clothes and have great bodies.
26. All martial arts men have rippling muscles and angry expressions.
27. The enemy always leaves weapons or powerups lying around for no reason other than so
their bitter enemy can pick them up and defeat them with it.
28. Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was evil. If it doesn't, try and pick it
up--- it was probably a powerup or bonus.
29. Carpe diem! You only live three times!
30. The most powerful fighters always wait until you have achieved a near-impossible,
flawless win record and/or killed a certain number of opponents before they appear in your
presence and beat the crap out of you.
31. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents.
32. 200 - 1 odds against you is NOT a problem.
33. Gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same names.
34. When racing vehicles, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new vehicle
will appear in its place.
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